THE RANDOM HP TALK SHOW OF RANDOMNESS!
by XdefyXgravityX
Summary: A parody of a TV talk show with your fabulous host, LORD VOLDEMORT! Summary sucks, but RR please!
1. Episode 1

**THE RANDOM HP TALK SHOW OF RANDOMNESS EPISODE 1**

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**Random Offstage Announcer Guy**: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to…THE RANDOM HP TALK SHOW OF RANDOMNESS!!!! Please welcome your host, LOOOOOOOOOOORD VOLDEMORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(Applause Enter Voldemort, today sporting a simple suit with an ascot and a simply smashing red smoking jacket. He is evidently attempting to look smart…yeah, good luck with that)_

**Voldemort**: Well, HELLOOOOOOOOOO folks!! Welcome to The Random HP Talk Show of Randomness! We've got a FANTABULOUS show lined up for you today, so let's get cracking, shall we? Okee dokee! To start, let's have a Muggle volunteer from our in-studio audience.

**Random Person**: Oooh! Oooh! Me! Pick me! Pick me!

**Voldemort**: AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!! _(person dies)_ Alrighty then, now that I've got that out of my system, on with the show! As we all know, September is the month when we all want to get organized, what with back to school and all. SO, we have a very special guest with us today to show us how to do that! Please welcome the lovely MARTHA STUART!!!!

_(Applause Enter Martha Stuart in that classic beige suit that she like NEVER changes out of)_

**Voldemort**: Welcome to the show Martha! We're thrilled to have you with us today!

**Martha**: Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here!

**Voldemort**: Now what are you going to be showing us today?

**Martha**: Well, I'm going to start off with a very popular segment from my own show: "How to Decorate Your Evil Lair in 5 Easy Steps!"

**Voldemort**: Oh GOODIE! My lair needs a few touch-ups!

**Martha**: Well, you've come to the right place! Let's get started shall we?

_(They waltz on over to the handy dandy little craft table SR)_

**Martha**: Now, the first thing you'll want to do to revamp your Evil Lair is to pick a nice theme. Now I bet most of our viewers are thinking "But that's so obvious! The theme of an evil lair is…evil lair!" Aha, but that's where you're wrong. In fact, most Evil Lairs have simply MARVELOUS themes. Some of the most popular are 'Under the Sea', 'African Safari', and 'Over the Rainbow'. For my example today, I'm going to use our most popular theme of all: 'Barbie Fairy Princess Playhouse'!

**Audience**: OOOOOOOOH. AAAAAAAAH. Huh?

**Voldemort**: YAY! hops up and down clapping in excitement

**Martha**: Yes, that one always gets an enthusiastic response!

**Audience**: _yawn_

**Voldemort**: _glares threateningly at audience_

**Random Person**: Ooooooh, we're SCARED now!

**Voldemort**: AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!! _(person dies) _Anyone else have an opinion?

**Audience**: _Whips out steno pads and pens_

**Voldemort**: That's what I thought. You were saying, Martha?

**Martha**: So, that's step one. Step 2: wall color and pattern. Now for this example, we've picked a nice shade of tickle-me pink...

_(The audience had fallen asleep by now. Martha drones on and on and on and on and ON AND ON AND AHHH WILL IT EVER END!!!! Charlie the backstage manager puts on like 6 commercial breaks, but neither Martha nor Voldemort notices. By the end of the segment, Martha has created this hideous diagram of an evil lair; hot pink with ballerinas all over the walls, fluffy purple carpet (great for hiding stains!), little Barbie furniture and even a little girl's tea set. She is now in the process of adding frilly pink lace curtains)_

**Martha:** …and the lace edging adds an elegant touch to décor. And look what a nice evil lair we've created!

**Voldemort: **_claps_ That was a wonderful segment, Martha, thank you so much!

**Audience:** _no reaction. They're all asleep. One guy's head rolls over onto his neighbor's shoulder. Some woman in the third row is drooling on her husband's new shirt_

**Voldemort:**_louder_ Thank you Martha!

**Audience: **_still nothing. Somebody lets a huge snore rip_

**Voldemort: **_yelling as loud as he can _THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON THE SHOW MARTHA!!!!!!!!!

**Audience: **_jerks awake. They hurriedly begin halfhearted applause_

_(Martha shakes hands with Voldemort and leaves. Voldemort looks at the clock and jumps about a foot in the air)_

**Voldemort:** HOLY GUACAMOLE! We ran out of time THREE AND A HALF HOURS AGO!!! Well, see ya next time folks! BUH BUH BYES!!!!!!!

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**A/N:**

**Hey guys, thanks to all my reviewers for my HSM fic 'Midnight'! Sorry its been so long but this story was a long time coming. I had it on another site before it went haywire, and I lost about half of it, so I had to think of new ideas to rewrite. The idea for this chappie came from the lovely FloatingBubbles, so thank you to her for the great input! **

**If anybody has an idea for an episode, please review and tell me! If you don't have an idea, REVIEW ANYWAY! It's been a while, so no flames por favor! Thanks a bunch!**

**As always,**

**XdefyXgravityX**


	2. Episode 2

**ROAG**: And now, its time for the RANDOM HP TALK SHOW OF RANDOMNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With your host LLLLOOORRRRDDD VOLDEMORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(Applause Enter Voldemort wearing his normal evil-looking robes. He also has a large jack o' lantern stuck on his head)_

**Voldemort**: HAWO FOX, an wewcum to ow hawwowin swat duck ates speshil!

**Audience:** Huh?

**Voldemort**: O, sowe.

_(He attempts to remove jack o' lantern from his head, but it doesn't work. Charlie the backstage manager runs on and puts a charm on it, so we can see a vague imprint of his face in it, and it moves with his mouth, so we can hear clearly. he spits out a bunch of seeds)_

**Voldemort**: Ew! Anyway, HALLOOO FOLKS, and welcome to our Halloween slash Dark Arts Special!!!! We have a very exciting show lined up today. First, a special exclusive interview with a personal friend of mine, then, a craft segment, and finally, a musical appearance!! Soooo LETS GET STARTED, SHALL WE?! Now, it is my pleasure to introduce a great old friend, and today's interviewee, THE SNAKE!!!!!!!!

_(Applause The snake slithers on and sits in tacky chair next to Voldemort's)_

**Voldemort**: So, Snakey, I haven't seen you in a while! How's life going for ya?

**Snake**: None of your businesssssss.

**Voldemort**: OK, soo...how do you like our show, here?

**Snake**: Pathhhhhhetic.

**Voldemort**: Now, now, Snakey, you never used to be this hurtful.

**Snake**: SSSSSSo?

**Voldemort**: So, you're really bugging me, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop.

**Snake**: Thatsssss your problem.

**Voldemort (in monotone): **Anything at all you'd like to share with our audience?

**Snake**: _(coils tail around giant starbucks cup, pulls it towards him, drains it, puts it back, belches loudly, and wipes his mouth with his tail)_ Nothhhhhhhing whatssssssssssssssoever.

**Voldemort**: Good.

_(A big puff of pink smoke obscures everything. When it clears, we see an Emeril-style kitchen set and Voldemort behind the counter in chef's suit, surrounded by pot of boiling water and several platters of various vegetables and spices. The snake is lying on the cutting board)_

**Voldemort**: Change of plans, folks! Instead of today's interview, we're having a recipe hour, where we shall learn to make SNAKE SOUP!!! Now, you take your serrated knife, and slice your snake into leeeetle tiny pieces, like so...

_(The audience is disgusted. Charlie the backstage manager saves the day once again by calling for a commercial break)_

**Voldemort (munching on snake soup):** HALLOOO FOLKS! Welcome back! Its time for our craft segment! Please welcome my lovely assistant, Hermione Granger!!!

_(Hermione enters and stands behind the craft table with Voldemort)_

**Voldemort: **So, Hermione, what will we be making today?

**Hermione:** We're going to make some quick-and-easy, cost-free witches' hats!! Now, you'll need some black felt, a needle, black thread, and a pretty ribbon to tie around the middle. First thing you want to do is take one piece of the felt and draw a circle, for the brim of the hat.

_(She draws a perfect circle. Voldemort tries 8 or nine times, but can't get it. He gets frustrated and kills the people in the front row. Charlie calls commercial break)_

**Voldemort (wearing little oddly shaped hat)**:WELCOME BACK FOLKS!! Our time's almost up, so please welcome a musical appearance by SEVERUS SNAPE!!!

_(Snape enters wearing fluffy chicken costume, and looks very much as though he was blackmailed into this.)_

**Snape (singing)**:

I love you

A bushel and a peck

A bushel and a peck and

A hug around the neck...

_(His face turns really red. The audience laughs their heads off. Snape runs offstage and sounds from backstage indicate him demanding a latte and a trailer.)_

**Voldemort**: O...K, then. BUH BUH BYES!!!!!!!!

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**A/N:**

**Hey guys, believe it or not I can actually take full credit for this chappie myself! It was one of the ones I managed to salvage from the dark depths of my hard drive from the original script. Reviews are not only highly encouraged, they're BEGGED FOR! REVIEW IT PLEASE!**

**As always,**

**XdefyXgravityX**


	3. Episode 3

**ROAG**: And now, its time for the RANDOM HP TALK SHOW OF RANDOMNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With your host LLLLOOORRRRDDD VOLDEMORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(Applause Enter Voldemort, sporting a hideous suit that smells like mothballs, bow tie and nerd glasses)_

**Nerd Voldemort**: HALLOOO FOLKS, and welcometo the show. Now, lets begin with a musical guest appearence by HARRY POTTER, RON WEASLEY, AND HERMIONE GRANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(Applause Enter Trio, wearing black pants, white t-shirts, and shiny (ooooh shiny...) leather jackets. Harry is lead vocal, Hermione is guitar, and Ron is drums)_

**Trio (sounding suspiciously like kelly clarkson):**

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I just stared out my window

Dreaming of a could-be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out

But when I'd try to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I pray (I would pray)

I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

**Audience**: _throws rotten fruit_ BOOO!!!

**Harry/Ron/Hermione**:

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I loved

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get abo...

_(Loud electronic feedback is heard offstage. Harry attempts to continue, but now sounds off pitch and off key. FloatingBubbles enters in the back of the audience w/ curly hair, jeans a t-shirt, and a short sparkly purple cloak. She is carrying a picnic basket full of coconuts. She sings, cutting Harry off. She skips up aisle and throws little fake coconuts as she sings/screams, sort of off key.)_

**FloatingBubbles**:

I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS!

**Audience**:

do do do do!

**FloatingBubbles**:

THERE THEY ARE ALL STANDING IN A ROW!

**Audience**:

dum dum dum

**FloatingBubbles**:

BIG ONES! SMALL ONES! SOME THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD!

GIVE THEM A TWIST, A FLICK OF THE WRIST,

THATS WHAT THE SHOWMAN SAID!

**All**:

OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**FloatingBubbles**:

I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS!

**Audience (spoken)**:

They're lovely!!

**FloatingBubbles**:

THERE THEY ARE ALL STANDING IN A ROW!

**Audience**:

2, 3, 4…

**FloatingBubbles**:

BIG ONES! SMALL ONES! SOME THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD!

**Audience (spoken)**:

And Bigger!!!

**All**:

OH...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_(floatingbubbles reaches stage)_

**All (spoken)**:

THEY'RE LOVELY!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Audience**: _cheers as loud as they possibly can_ YAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!!!!! WAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPEDEEDOODAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Harry/Ron/Hermione**: _run offstage, crying_

**Voldemort**: FloatingBubbles! You're early!

**FloatingBubbles**: YOU BETCHA! I was just having a little fun...

**Voldemort**: Oh, dont apologize, you pretty much saved the show!

**FloatingBubbles**: But, I wasn't going to apol...

**Voldemort**: Well, since FloatingBubbles is early, we have time for a quick interview before we start with her original activity, but WE NEED A NICE LONG COMMERCIAL BREAK THAT LASTS FOR ALL ETERNITY FIRST!!!!!!!!! Be right back.

_(Again with the cereal commercial. OH that JINGLE...SOO ANNOYING...IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)_

**Voldemort**: Never fear, XdefyXgravityX!!! I shall rescue you all from the annoying cereal jingle!! BACK TO THE SHOW!!!!!!!!!! We'll have a quick interview with FloatingBubbles, and then on to our schedualed activity!! So, FloatingBubbles, you're a regular reviewer on this site, right?

**FloatingBubbles**: Yuperdoodledandy!!!!!!!!!

**XdefyXgravityX**: STOP STEALING MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Voldemort**: O...K...So, what stories have you written?

**FloatingBubbles**: Well, there's HOW TO FALL IN LOVE THE NOT-SO-EASY WAY, and HpPotOfDoom, but they were both on another fanfic site before it went haywire.

**Voldemort**: Which is your favorite?

**FloatingBubbles**: Not really sure. I like them both, and I'm working on another one.

**Voldemort**: Whats it called?

**FloatingBubbles**: I forget.

**Voldemort**: You got a boyfriend?

**FloatingBubbles**: No.

**Voldemort**: Wanna have dinner next week?

**FloatingBubbles**: OKAY, I THINK ITS REALLY TIME TO MOVE ON NOW!!!!

**Voldemort**: _sigh_ Oh, okay. So, you were going to show us a recipe right?

**FloatingBubbles**: Yuperdoodledandy!!

**XdefyXgravityX**: STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**FloatingBubbles**: So, first, you add 1/4 cup of Sugar, 1/2 cup of butterbeer, 2 ice mice, 4 fizzing whizbees, 1/8 cup of Bertie Botts Beans, and 1/8 cup of water. Mix it all together, add a little of any potion of your choice mixed with the same amount of cherry or chocolate syrup, and presto! Give it a try!

**Voldemort and Audience**: MMMMM!!!!! YUMMY YUMMY IN MY TUMMY!!

**Voldemort**: MY TURN!!! Ok, so 1/4 cup of sugar, 1/2 cup of Firewhiskey, 7 ice mice, 1/8 cup of Bertie Botts Beans mixed with fizzing whizbees, 1/8 cup of butterbeer, 1 cup potion, 3/4 cup of cherry and chocolate syrup, 2/5 cup mustard, and 5 sardines. Ok, here we go! BLECH!!!!!!!!!!

_(Voldemort starts barfing in a way so he resembles a sprinkler, he is also shivering and squeaking, and twitching spasmodically. He is lifted off his feet, still doing all of the above, and starts flying and circling over the audience, laughing hysterically in between barfing, retching, and squeaking.)_

**FloatingBubbles**: _looks disgusted_

**Audience**: _IS disgusted_

**FloatingBubbles**: So, um, what does he say at the end, again?

**Charlie, the Backstage Manager**: Buh buh byes!

**FloatingBubbles**: Oh, yeah, thanks. BUH BUH BYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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**A/N:**

**Hey guys, thanks to my reviewers, and another BIG thank you to the lovely FloatingBubbles for taking a role in this chappie! I NEED MORE REVIEWS BEFORE I ADD ANYMORE! I'm also still open to ideas, if anybody has any. PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!**

**As always**

**XdefyXgravityX**


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